THE EVIL EMPIRE STRIKES AGAIN!

The American and National Leagues have added a couple of booming bats to their bench Tuesday in Anaheim with the addition of Nick Swisher and Joey Votto, now that fans have spoken in the four-day All-Star Final Vote Sponsored by Sprint. Swisher, the Yankees' right-fielder and social-media titan, held off Kevin Youkilis of the rival Red Sox in the closest race in the nine-year history of the Final Vote to claim the 34th and final spot on the All-Star roster with a final tally of 9.8 million votes. Swisher and Youkilis were followed by Paul Konerko of the White Sox, Michael Young of the Rangers and Delmon Young of the Twins.

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! I feel like a proud father today, and not because I voted for him at least 50 times. But your boy, Nick Swisher, made the final vote for the All-Star Game! That makes 8 All-Star selections for the Yankees this season. I’ll repeat that. THAT MAKES 8 ALL-STARS PEOPLE. They can practically field a whole line-up card at this point. And if it weren’t for Teixera’s yearly hibernation, we could have just watched the Yes Network instead of the All-Star Game. Not only that, but Swisher beat out Kevin “Usaless” Youkilis! The ugliest grill in the league next to Jorge Cantu. As John Sterling would say “Swishalicious” is the greatest thing that happened to the Yankees. He has single handedly loosened up the tight jocks of the front office as well as Arod’s ego. The guy genuinely loves the game of baseball and more importantly loves the Yankees. He respects the tradition of the Pine Stripes so much he knows his role. If it weren’t for Cano and Jeter he would be my favorite player. Regardless they are all beauties and the Yanks are looking like they are on their way to #28! Let’s go Yankees!

Oh, and Jeter is a true professional. At this point he should manage the All-Star squad. He’s been there enough times.

You Did What?!

A lifelong Yankees fan is suing his beloved Bronx Bombers after team officials lost a letter he received more than 40 years ago from slugger Mickey Mantle, according to court records. Retired cop and former minor leaguer Michael Kovalovsky said he noticed a hitch in Mantle’s swing, and sent the switch hitter a note when Mantle was slumping during the 1959 season. Mantle acknowledged the note in a letter to the fan, one of Kovalovsky’s most prized possessions. Kovalovsky, 78, said he voluntarily loaned the letter to the team along with other memorabilia for use at a museum at the new stadium, but officials told him personal items from fans were not being accepted. Then he never got them back. "I said if that’s the game they want to play, I’ll take them to court," said Kovalovsky who moved to Florida after retiring. "I’m tired of the runaround." Kovalovsky’s $100,000 lawsuit seeks damages and attorney costs for negligence and bad faith. Despite the legal issues, Kovalovsky insists that he is still a big fan, and plans to return to the Bronx this summer for a couple of games. "I’ll be a fan until the day I die," he said. "We believe the lawsuit is without merit and will be vigorously defended," said Alice McGillion, spokesperson for the Yankees.

Boo-hoo. If you gave me a letter signed by “The Mick” I would have done the same thing. Why did this guy give this letter up in the first place? So he can pay for a ticket to a game when he wants to see it again? This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and now he’s heated because they “lost” it. News flash buddy, they didn’t lose it, they just don’t want to give it back to your dumb ass. It’s a sweet piece of history that is priceless. Mickey was one of the greatest players and personalities of all time. Next time you have some really cool shit to share, just keep it in a display case in your house so you can show people who won’t believe you at your cocktail parties instead of giving it to the wealthiest organization in the world. Unreal. Go Yankees!

Money Money Money Money....Money!

Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov has "purchased billboard space near Madison Square Garden that will display a massive image of the Russian billionaire and Nets minority owner Jay-Z, with completion scheduled just before the start of free agency" tonight at midnight, according to Marc Stein of ESPN.com. The 222-by-95-foot billboard "sporting a Nets logo will picture Jay-Z and Prokhorov side-by-side" under the heading, "The Blueprint For Greatness." Sources indicated that the "signage is strategically placed" within the sight line of the Knicks' offices, "ramping up tensions between the teams with free agency looming." Nets CEO Brett Yormark said, "That billboard is the anchor to an aggressive marketing platform for key transit hubs from Manhattan to Newark. It's a pretty aggressive campaign around free agency. It's one of the biggest advertising spaces in the city. What better place to make a statement”.

In New Jersey,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New Jersey,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New Jersey, New Jersey New Jersey!

P.S. – Prokhorov is the man, but I’m still scared shitless by him. This is what I call a marketing campaign. Not up in here. NOT up in here! Say cheese boys.

I'm Bad, I'm Bad, You Know It...

A mentally-ill Orthodox cantor who told jurors he was "The Michael Jackson of Jewish music" was sentenced in Manhattan yesterday to at least a year in prison for swindling a Washington Heights woman out of $36,000.Victim Judy Burstein, 55, had met the singer, Michoel Streicher, 50, at his performances five years ago in Rockland County, Brooklyn and Lakewood, NJ. Streicher posed as a rabbi, then took her money -- promising to use it to purchase a torah, but instead pocketing it, a jury found in convicting him of grand larceny in April. "She was so impressed by his singing, she fell for anything," Burstein's son, Yehuda said after the sentencing. "He promised her the torah would be under her control, and would be used by some of the greatest rabbis in Judaism," the son told reporters. "Then, after a few months, he stopped returning phone calls." After five years of denying wrongdoing, Streicher, the 50-year-old father of 11 children, apologized to the Burstein family in court today. "It was not intended, and it happened," he said. "And I hope they forgive me." Streicher's lawyer, Eric Franz, begged Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Roger Hayes for mercy, citing Streicher's long-standing mental illness, for which he is finally receiving treatment in Rikers. Before getting on his new meds, "He gnaws away, like an animal -- at his cuticles, his fingers," Franz said. As for the accusation he posed as a rabbi, "He just doesn't have a congregation," he said. "That doesn't mean he's posing."

The Jewish Michael Jackson huh? That’s just wild. People are so weird. And who pays $36,000 for a book? The guy must have had one hell of a Jewish vocal. Boom! Step aside Michael, it’s Rabbi Streicher’s turn to do the moonwalk all over grandma Burstein!

P.S. – What would you do with $36,000. How about just giving it to the Federal Government? Well that's exactly how much the "balloon boy's" parents had to do after their little stunt. Talk about a sick joke!

P.P.S. - Who doesn't bite their finger nails theses days? It's the coolest.

I'm a Very Classy Man!

In a sit-down interview with ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, former Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson discussed his new situation with the New York Jets, and had some harsh revelations about the time with his former team.Tomlinson said he knows it will be an open competition for the starting running back job with one-year incumbent Shonn Greene, but admitted that starting isn’t necessarily important to him, and that he just wants to contribute to his new team, and knows that he has a role on the Jets. “Whatever they need me to do, whether it’s catching the ball out of the backfield, whether it’s picking up blitzing linebackers or running draw plays or screens or what have you,” said Tomlinson. “I’m tired of being doubted by so many people for what I can’t do,” said Tomlinson. “For a guy like me, my entire career has been driven by that, so I’m very determined to be successful here. ”He also revealed another poignant dig, showing a New York Jets tattoo with “2010 – ” inked below the logo on his right calf. It mirrors the Chargers lightning bolt logo and “2001-2010″ on his left calf. “For me, it’s kind of closing that chapter of my career in San Diego, it’s kind of like it’s dead, and a new birth is being born with the Jets logo being put on my other calf,” he said. “I’m able to get over it and move on very quickly, and focus on the next thing.” If that wasn’t enough of a gut punch to Chargers fans everywhere, when asked if he wins a Super Bowl with New York, whether he’ll go into the Hall of Fame as a Charger or a Jet, he simply smiled that 1,000-watt smile and said, “Interesting. That’s all I’ll say.”

Now that the New York Jets have a star studded team AND are being showcased in the HBO series “Hard Knocks” this preseason, I’m jumping on the ban wagon and don’t give a shit who cares about it. I mean I rooted for the Bengals when they were featured on the show last season. THE BENGALS. Now I have a hometown team too actually watch and root for, why not? I think it all comes down to Eli Manning for me. That’s the reason why I can’t stand watching the Giants play. He is just brutal to watch, to look at, or to mention his name. That whole last sentence just heart my head thinking about it. Or maybe it's the fact that they don't have my boy Strahan anymore. He's onto the next paycheck doing Vaseline commercials now. Not only is Hard Knocks going to be awesome, the team acquired running back LaDainian Tomlinson, who has a massive chip on his shoulder leaving San Diego. Not to mention a sick new calf tattoo. I just hope this “Hard Knocks” is half as entertaining as last year starring Chad “Ocho Cinco”. Doubtful.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's...Cat Woman?

Cat Woman is on the prowl. A serial stickup artist with a penchant for disguises -- including a cat mask -- has sunk her claws into shoe and beauty stores in Manhattan and Queens, The Post has learned. The last two hits by the sleek, amber-eyed thief took place last week -- targeting the high-end Arche shoe store on Astor Place in the East Village on Thursday and The Body Shop in Forest Hills, Queens, the next day. In the strike at Arche, which was caught on video, the slick thief donned a cat mask, the source said. According to the source, the lithe 5-foot-6, 115 pound thief, described in a wanted poster as possibly Middle Eastern, strode into the store at around 1:30 p.m. She prowled for about 45 minutes before donning her disguise and pouncing on a sales clerk.

Hahahaha. I have no words for how ridiculous this story is. So I leave you with something even better. All I could think of when I was reading this was the scene from Superbad when the two cops were interrogating the liquor store clerk when she got robbed. I have a goddamn vetnary exam tomorrow!



Mindy: Look, kay? He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.
Officer Slater: So, how how, how...
Officer Michaels: Say when, height wise...
Officer Slater: I'm gonna start up here.
Officer Michaels: I'm gonna start from the buttom...
Mindy: Whatever 5'10 is, he was 5'10.
Officer Slater: E-ethnicly, I mean, did, what, uhhm. I mean, wa-was he, like u-us or...
Mindy: A woman? A female, is that what you're asking?
Officer Slater: No, I would say...
Officer Michaels: Was he...
Officer Slater: Was he African?
Mindy: Was he African? No, he was American. And he was like you. He looked just like you.
Officer Michaels: He was Jewish! An odd crime for a Jew to commit. Ok, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie...
Mindy: No. You don't. No, that's not what I said. Is that what you heard me say? I said he looked like you. Do you look like an African Jew?
Officer Michaels: No, I look like a cop.
Mindy: He was caucasian.
Officer Michaels: Caucasian...
Officer Slater: Oh...
Mindy: Kinda looked like Eminem.
Officer Michaels: Ah, an M&M...
Officer Slater: M&M, so he was like circular...
Mindy: Marshall Mathers. Eminem, the rapper, Eminem.
Officer Michaels: He looked like this? I'm a amateur.
Officer Slater: 'Cause that kinda looks like an M&M.
Officer Michaels: Longer face? Bigger nose? Would you say his mouth was wider? Open? A gap?

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Queens Woman Arrested For Terrorizing Sex Slaves?

Dateline: Queens, NY
A sex slave madam who lives in a million-dollar Queens mansion has been arrested for allegedly terrorizing sex slaves in her two Long Island locations, which were disguised as nail salons, authorities said today. One, inside a storefront in Huntington Station, advertised a "Stimulus Plan" on the front window and offered sex acts for prices ranging from $60 up to $120. Suffolk DA Tom Spota said Jin Hua Cui, 44, of Flushing, lived a life of luxury in her cash-filled home at the expense of her victims and is facing up to 25 years behind bars if convicted. Spota said Cui admitted to investigators that she got into the business of prostitution to make a lot of money. "I think that you can see, looking at the photograph of her house that, while she was a success, her success came at a price to the women that she enslaved," said Spota. The DA said the women came to America in search of the American dream, but ended up ensnared in the nightmare of prostitution.

Prostitution ring? This is a good old fashion rub and tug baby! I’m actually surprised more places aren’t busted for this. This happens everywhere around the city and the suburbs. Although this place seemed a little pricy if you ask me. You pay now! $60-$120? These girls are definitely not playboy models by any means. Nail salons and spas are all the rage with the happy endings. It’s like an anime nerd hotspot. At least she admitted she got into it for the profit. Talk about the American Dream! Oh herrooo, thank you come again!

Note: When you own sex slaves, doesn't terrorizing them go hand in hand? Just saying.

I Spy With My Little Eye...

Russian national Anna Chapman — a 28-year-old divorcee with a masters in economics, an online real-estate business, a fancy Financial District apartment and a Victoria’s Secret body — had been passing information to a Russian government official every Wednesday since January, authorities charged. In one particularly slick spy exchange on St. Patrick’s Day, Chapman pulled a laptop out of a tote bag in a bookstore at Warren and Greenwich streets in the West Village while her handler lurked outside, receiving her message on his own computer, the feds said. A similar exchange occurred at a Midtown coffee shop at 47th Street and 8th Ave. The FBI claimed the two were corresponding via a secret online network. Last week, an undercover agent pretending to be a Russian official arranged a meeting to talk about the weekly laptop exchanges, pretending to be ready to send the sexy spy on a mission to deliver a fake passport to another female agent, according to the federal complaint. "Are you ready for this step?" he asked. "S¤-¤-¤-, yes," Chapman allegedly gushed. The undercover instructed her on how she would recognize her fellow spy and how to report back on the handoff, the feds said. "Haven’t we met in California last summer?" the spy expecting the fake passport was supposed to say. Chapman was to respond, "No, I think it was the Hamptons," according to the FBI. Chapman allegedly was also supposed to hold a magazine under her arm so her counterpart would recognize her, and plant a stamp on a wall map indicate the handoff was a success.

These chicks really exist? This is a red headed version of Natalya in James Bond GoldenEye. Which reminds me; that game on Nintendo 64 was pure awesomeness and ranks right next to Mario Cart for all-time best game in 64 gamming history. Yeah, I said it. You never know what the Russians have up their sleeve, for all we know she is reporting to the Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov on the LeBron James sweep stakes. It wouldn’t surprise me. The Ivan Drago “I must break you” mentality from Rocky is exactly what Russia is about. Taking care of business and fucking shit up. It’s probably from all the action movies I’ve watched in my childhood, but anyone Russian scares me. Period.

Jackie Robinson Meet Robinson Cano

LOS ANGELES -- The third-inning ditch Andy Pettitte put the Yankees in with two throwing errors on bunt plays wasn't deep enough to bury his teammates. For all the times Pettitte has guided the Yankees to victory when the batters didn't hit, the veteran lefty was rewarded last night. Down four runs entering the ninth against Dodger closer Jonathan Broxton, the Bombers tied the score 6-6 with one amazing at-bat after another. While Pettitte watched, Robinson Cano's two-run homer in the 10th off lefty George Sherrill carried the Yankees to an 8-6 Yankees win as 56,000 watched at Dodger Stadium.

And boom goes the dynamite! In the words Christopher Wallace: “If you don’t know now you know.” Roby Cano is for real. He did it again last night hitting an extra inning dinger off Torre’s closer. Sorry you don’t have Mariano anymore Joe. We held on to him. I wasn’t even surprised when Cano hit that opposite field bomb last night, it felt routine. That’s how good Robinson Cano is playing this year. I just smiled when he hit a game winning extra inning home run. I was more amused than surprised or excited. I should just start calling out every time he gets up “home run” and my friends will think I’m the next Miss Cleo, until they look and see he’s batting .359 with 15 home runs, 53 RBIs, an on base percentage of .409, and a slugging percentage of a whopping .593! The fact that he was even named after Jackie Robinson should tell you something. His parents knew he was going to be able to hit a bottle cap with a broomstick, let alone a baseball with a bat. He is a stud. Might have to think about moving to the outfield soon Derek. This could be the face of the Yankees new shortstop. Although a part of me wants to see Jeter out in shortstop even if he needed a cane to get to a routine grounder, you have to recognize greatness when you see it. Andy Pettitte goes to an impressive 9-2 on the year. The dude’s having a career year and at 38 years young. Respect.

Note: Check out worthless Chien-Ming Wang in background signing autographs. Kids, you might as well use that signature as toilet paper these days. It's just as useful.

Swing Away!

A former Xaverian High School baseball coach was cuffed today in a sweeping crackdown on mob-run sports betting rings that netted $20 million annually. Gerard Bruzzese, 46, who volunteered as the Bay Ridge Catholic school’s freshman baseball coach, was allegedly a ringleader of nysportswager.com, an illegal site run by the Genovese crime family. The Web site raked in $17 million over the course of the two-year sting, prosecutors said. Four other illegal gambling rings, some of which allowed tech-savvy mobsters to take bets online and by text message, were broken up using undercover cops and wiretapping, said Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes yesterday. Sixteen mobsters were arrested in "Operation Bettor Days." Bruzzese faces up to 69 years in jail if convicted. Dennis Canale, 67, Xaverian’s head coach who resigned last year and was also under investigation in the multimillion-dollar scheme, was not indicted today.

This is just awesome. What a genius idea. Coaching freshman baseball to front an illegal gambling website. He doesn't even have to show up for work til 3:00PM during the spring, plus no work over summer. Sign me up. Diddy runs the city……NOT. I always knew high school coaching jobs were a front.

Note: "Operation Bettor Days?" Really Charles Hynes, really? Couldn't come up with a better one than that? That's a just lazy.

Let Me Just Get That For You Boss...

A tearful Debrahlee "Debbie" Lorenzana read a prepared statement Monday morning explaining why she is a victim of sex discrimination. Lorenzana and her attorney, Gloria Allred, are asking for a human rights investigation. She claims she was fired from her job as a business banker job at Citibank after complaining that male colleagues called good looks distracting. In the complaint, Lorenzana claims that she was not properly trained and, "I was a target to them." She says she was a victim of sex discrimination and then retaliation for speaking up. Lorenzana, 33, previously filed suit against Citibank. She alleged that she was criticized by management for the way that she dressed. She claims that management indicated that she was considered too beautiful and had large breasts for the clothes she was wearing.

Hold. The. Phone. Let me get this straight here. This lady is suing a multi-billion dollar company because management called her too beautiful? It has nothing to do with the money, right? Gotcha. See this is what I’m talking about with women in our country these days. You can’ ever win in this politically correct world we have created. It’s not like Debbie is working in Yemen and has to wear a veil 40 hours a week to cover her face. But in 2010, a guy can’t even compliment a girl without being thought of as a pervert. That’s why I don’t give complements anymore to girls like I used too. No, you know why? This is exactly why! No more friendly, that’s a great color on you, or my personal favorite, maybe you shouldn’t wear a bra next time. But seriously, women are crazy. Excuse me THIS woman is crazy! Everyone knows that she is just going after the money because her personal claim against the company didn’t do shit. You’re just a smoke-show who only got her job at Citigroup because you were so damn hot. Isn’t that the American Dream personified? Get over it. And good luck trying to win this case, baby doll, when the judge queues up your breast enhancement video. Game, blouses.

Note: Take another look at the picture up top and tell me you wouldn't be able to work around Deb either. I could barely finish my SATs the first time I took them at my public high school because I had girls all around me taking a test. Change of pace for me. Private school really killed the ladies environment. Needless to say I had to retake them.

Has Anyone Seen My Ring? It Looks Kinda Like This...

NEW YORK, NY - A Yankee 2009 World Series ring worth around $10,000 was swiped from the clubhouse of the team's Trenton double-A minor-league affiliate, the ring's owner said yesterday. Tom "Tonto" Kackley, 51, clubhouse manager for the Trenton Thunder, said he realized at around 1:30 a.m. Friday that the ring was missing from a locked drawer in his desk at Trenton's Waterfront Stadium. The diamond-encrusted ring had been delivered to him several days earlier. "I worked for 22 years to get it, and I had it for a week," he said. Kackley said that after he got the ring, he initially stored it in a clubhouse closet. "I've had things come up missing out of there before, so I put it in my desk," he said. "I felt it was safest in my desk." Sheriff's officers in Mercer County, NJ, are investigating. A pitching coach for the Staten Island Yankees reported his ring was stolen on May 31, allegedly by two hookers he met at a Tampa hotel. Police are still investigating that incident. In both cases, police listed the value of the missing rings at $10,000.

Hahahahaha. How’s my protégée “Tonto”? What? He lost his World Series ring? Honey, I’m going to bang some hookers after the game tonight and leave my World Series ring in my desk. What?! It’s Gone?! What an idiot! Good, good more for me and you. This guy had this coming to him don’t you think? And your telling me Tonto couldn't find a better hiding spot then his desk? Yeah, I'll put in my desk, no one will look there! I mean honestly, if I had a Yankees World Series ring the first thing I’d do was uncontrollable dance and yell obscenities. Then I wouldn’t let it out of my sight. Not to mention if it was worth fucking 10 grand. Hell, I’d sleep with the damn thing. I’d make it breakfast. I might even think about leaving my wife, if I had one. And the fact that he had to admit that hookers stole it is just a shot to the balls. You know he didn’t want to report it, but the fact that it was worth so much and he just got it a week before was a double whammy. At that point the hookers didn’t even seem like a big deal to this guy. These girls definitely pawned the ring and some lucky dude can now say he was apart of a dynasty: the 2009 Yankees Season….sort of.

Note:  That ring is awesome. Just think "The Boss" has 7 rings to himself. That’s a lot of hookers.

Enter Sandman!

NEW YORK, NY - Mariano Rivera followed his clean ninth inning against the D-backs with a difficult 10th that required him to escape a bases-loaded jam with no outs, but the legend came through, sealing a Yanks victory.

Alright, so Mo is the man. We already knew that. But getting a save with the bases juices in the 10th inning up one run last night was awesome. Huge win for the Bombers, not to mention he almost hit a single. Everyone says he’s the most athletic guy on the team and I don’t doubt it. He probably has a cross over like Iverson in his prime mixed with Jordan’s fade away. Not only that, the dude gives backpacks of supplies to kids in his hometown of Panama, all while building churches in the community. He’ll be closing for Jesus’ all Disciple team when it’s all said and done. I mean this guy’s incredible and not to mention the classiest guy in baseball. He is a true professional plain and simple.

Note: I saw a little girl in the stands holding up a sign that said “When I grow up I want to be a D-Backs player, or A-Rods agent.” Might just be the smartest little girl in America. But I’d go with the ladder, just ask Scott Boras. Plus who wants to play for the D-backs anyway?

How Would You Like To Have $37,000...For Your Dog

A veterinarian to the stars is trying to take a bite out of Mariah Carey, charging the dishy diva has stiffed her for the "extraordinary services" she performed for her three pampered pooches. In papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, Dr. Cindy Bressler says she did over $37,000 work taking care of Cha-Cha, Dolomite and JJ, but their hit machine owner has only paid a fraction of her bill. Bressler, who does house calls in Manhattan and the Hamptons, says she tended to the trio "at the special instance and request" of the "Precious" star between October 31 and December 2 of last year. Bressler "rendered veterinary services including extraordinary services to the defendant’s canines," the suit says. In all, the suit says, she "performed work, labor and services on the defendant’s canines . . . at the agreed price and reasonable value of $37,790.32, which sum [Carey] agreed to pay."

That didn’t just say $37,000 to pamper a dog did it? That has to be a misprint. They have to be talking about her kids, understandable mistake. What’s that? She DID spend all that on her fucking DOGS?! Not to mention there is a market for professional dog pamper-ers? I’m afraid to ask what “extraordinary services” entails. Did this lady do unspeakable things to these dogs? What is the world coming too people? I mean honestly, this is unreal. Listen, I’m all about having dogs and taking care of them, but $37,000 of care? That’s more than a lot of people yearly salary. This lady does house calls in Manhattan and surprise surprise, the Hamptons. This just reminds me how I need to be filthy rich ASAP. Maybe I’m just jealous I’m not spending $37,000 on my French Bulldog, Robby. Sorry buddy, soon enough you’ll be rolling up in the flyest of fly doggy rides getting all the fine bitches…literally.

He Shoots, He Scores! Ma The Meatloaf!

PRETORIA, South Africa -- Landon Donovan scored a stunning goal in the first minute of injury time, advancing the United States to the second round at the World Cup with a 1-0 win over Algeria. With the U.S. perhaps three minutes from elimination Wednesday, Donovan brought the ball upfield on a counterattack and Jozy Altidore's shot on the breakaway was tipped by Clint Dempsey into goalkeeper Rais Bolihi. The rebound went to Donovan, who kicked it in from about 8 yards for one of the biggest goals in U.S. soccer history. "I've been through a lot in the last four years," Donovan said half an hour after the end, crying and his voice cracked. "I'm so glad it culminated this way. When you try to do things the right way, it's good to get rewarded. "The win, the first World Cup victory for the U.S. in eight years, gave the Americans first place in Group C. With just its fifth shutout in World Cup play, the United States (1-0-2) won a group for the first time since 1930 and will face the runner-up in Group D on Saturday (2:30 p.m. ET, ABC).

U-S-A, U-S-A.! Finally soccer is exciting! I have to say it’s the first time I got the chills from watching a soccer match. After all that has gone against the US during this preliminary round of the World cup, at the end of the day we come out on top of the group. Whoop! Whoop! That gets two whoops. One for Landon Donovan and one for his smoke show wife Bianca Kajlich. I mean what a way to end a huge game. It seems like the US just waits until the 90th minute to score every must have goal. Soccer isn’t gay, well maybe just for today it isn’t.

Note: This might be the greatest goal announcer in hockey history. Make me a bicycle clown!

Goo-Goo, Gaga

NEW YORK, NY - Lady Gaga's antics at Yankee Stadium and Citi Field have raised the ire of comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who ripped her on a New York radio station on Monday night. "I'm not one of these all-publicity-is-good people," Seinfeld said on WFAN. ." Seinfeld was linked to Lady Gaga on June 10, when the singer was escorted to his empty luxury box at Citi Field without his permission after she was caught on camera in the stands at a New York Mets game giving the finger to photographers and fans. "This woman is a jerk. I hate her," Seinfeld joked. "I can't believe they put her in my box, which I paid for ... You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we're living in now? It's pathetic. And why is she giving the finger? How old is the finger? How'd it even get to be the finger? Somewhere along the line somebody decided this is the bad finger." Seinfeld also said of Lady Gaga, "You take one 'A' off of that and you've got gag."

Yawn. I’m tired of hearing about this weirdo attention whore. How about you stick to making mediocre radio music for idiot teen girls to listen to. I’m not buying what Gaga is selling at all. Her music is terrible and not to mention this girl is uglier than Voldemort. I’m tired of hearing people say, “did you hear what she wore at the VMAs” or “can you believe she wore that in public?” No, I don’t care. Not to mention her antics at the Met game in Jerry’s free box seats. Not to mention she was spotted boozed up in he Yankees club house talking to who else: Robby Cano and Arod. She just wanted to see greatness up close, but if the yanks go on a skid I'm blaming this bitch. Gaga probably doesn’t even know what sports are, let alone baseball. It just shows she has zero class and only wants people to talk about her. Well I’m not buying it so stick to making awful music and emo outfits and leave the rest of us normal people alone. Stay away from me and stay away from the greatest game on earth, baseball, you classless smut.

Note: I’m pretty sure she’s either going to kill herself in ten years or be killed by a crazy fan. Let’s hope for both.

Let's Go Devils!

NEWARK, NJ - John MacLean has been named the new head coach of the New Jersey Devils. MacLean was a Devils assistant coach for seven years before becoming the head coach of the team's Minor League team in Lowell, MA. He had been passed over when the team hired new head coaches in the past, including Brent Sutter in 2007 and then again when Jacques Lemaire returned. This time, with the experience of being a head coach under his belt, MacLean was given the chance by Devils general manager Lou Lamoriello. Under MacLean, the Lowell Devils finished in fourth place in the Atlantic Division with a record of 39-31-4-6. MacLean knows the Devils organization well, having been an assistant with the Devils, the Lowell head coach, and a former player of the Devils for years. The former right winger scored 842 points in 1,194 career NHL games, 934 of those games coming as a New Jersey Devil. As a Devils player, MacLean scored 701 points, 347 of which were goals. It appears MacLean beat out Michel Therrien and Mike Haviland for the job.

The long road for John MacLean has finally led him to his dream: A chance to coach in the NHL on the team where it all began, the New Jersey Devils. Whoop! It's the first time a former Devil will be the head coach in New Jersey, a sign that this one-time newbie in the tri-state area has marked the test of time. MacLean did it the right way. He's prepared for this for seven seasons, six as a Devils assistant for six different head coaches and a season in Lowell as a head coach in the AHL. His time is now. You wonder if the Devils had gone another way whether Mac would have just packed his bags and moved on.

The Devils have gone through coaches like Derek Jeter has gone through Hollywood. So the fact that Johnny Mac is 45 and a major part of the history of this organization may make him the head coach who hangs around awhile. Maybe this is the last coach Lou Lamoriello will ever hire. MacLean now takes the reins of a team that has not seen the second round in three years. And has gone the longest in franchise history without a conference finals appearance. He has lots of work to do.

It's also a chance for No. 15 to have his Devils career come full circle. He's the Devils all-time leading scorer. He scored one of the biggest goals in franchise history when he beat Darren Pang and the Blackhawks to get the Devils in the postseason for the first time ever in 1988. And he won a Cup in 1995, though he had a falling out with the team a few years later and was traded to San Jose, then committed what's considered a Devils' biggest sin, playing for the New York Rangers. Johnny Mac is now in the driver's seat. How bumpy will the ride be? We'll have to wait and see.

Hey Mom, Johnny Slapped Me, Waaaaa!

Okay. I know I’ve been M.I.A. for a while, but I had to come out of the woodwork like Denzel in Training day for this one. Can anyone tell me why America hates soccer? Oh yeah that’s right, because the players are little schoolboy bitches. These guys are softer than a posturepedic on a hungover Sunday morning and they are supposed to be the best athletes in the world? Give me a break. They deserve Academy Awards for the flop jobs that I’m witnessing in the World Cup. Don’t get me wrong, I get pumped up just like any other American “fan” who only watches the cup (pretty much everyone), but seriously I’m questioning my manhood sometimes when I tune into these games. In a nation that thrives on mutants crushing each others skulls in, soccer is like watching a fourth grade ballet. These guys are going down without contact most of the time. I love how they show the replay in super slow motion just to show you nothing happened and the ref still gives the yellow card out like it’s going out of style. And don’t even get me started on some of the off side’s calls on the USA costing them the tourney. Grow up and grow a pair already.

Do You Like Vat You See?

Not much to say here, but that the Devils just signed Atlanta Thrasher super star Ilya Kovalchuk! Can anyone say Stanley Cup 2010? First the Yankees winning the World Series and now the Devils chasing greatness, what’s next the Knicks getting Bron Bron? Let’s hope so. Lou Lamoriello is a genius. The most underrated GM in the league. It’s fun to know New York puts out the best teams year in and year out. Boston sucks, but you already knew that. Good day to you all. Go Devs!

To the Window, To the Wall...

A Pennsylvania father accused of hosting a party for teenagers featuring plenty of booze and a stripper pole says he can’t get a fair trial due to media coverage. Steven A. Russo, 37, has been charged with corruption of minors, providing them with alcohol and various other charges. He was charged after photos surfaced of students drinking and dancing at a stripper pole at his house on Facebook. Russo is currently in prison after being convicted of stalking an ex-girlfriend.

Where was this dad when I was a kid? I am still trying to have a party with a stripper pole to this day and these kids got one in high school?! This guy deserves a metal, a high five, a forearm grab, a point and go or, at the very least, a bro hug double back tap combo! Somebody get this dude a “World’s Best Dad” mug! His son is hands down the coolest kid at that school now, rolling deep with his entourage through the hallways of “Dreams Do Come True High”. Besides the stalking conviction, this guy seems like a pretty cool dad. Ok, not necessarily cool if it’s your dad, but maybe your friend’s dad. Once again Facebook swoops in to ruin the day. I bet every one of those kids had a better time that night than they will anytime soon, just ask Pacman Jones. In fact, I think Pacman should come in and teach the youngsters how to properly make it rain in the club. Talk about a public service! Russo didn’t actually hire strippers so I don’t see the problem here. Oh what’s that you say? Teenagers shouldn’t be allowed to drink. It was safer at this guy’s strip joint basement with some sort of supervision than none at all, minus the small point about stalking an ex-girlfriend. In the words of Vampire Weekend, “First the window, Then it’s to the wall, Lil’ Jon, He always tells the truth.”